Chef Payne 01: Rump Roast

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Chef Payne 01: Rump Roast

(****, M/F, Severe, whipping)

A recipe for delight as we watch an episode of the 'Cooking with Chef Payne' show. (Approximately 2,315 words. Originally published 2003-12.)

(The set is a kitchen with a long rectangular counter across the front. Chef Payne, dressed in a white chef outfit, stands behind the counter. The studio audience is a modest 75-100 people, creating an intimate setting.)

Chef Payne: Greetings, folks! I'm Chef Payne, and today I'll be making rump roast. The process is quite intense, but let me tell you, there's nothing quite as tender as a rump roasted the Chef Payne way.

Now the most important ingredient for rump roast is, of course, a delicious rump. I've done my shopping and let me tell you, I've found a _spectular_ selection for us today. Feast your eyes on this, everybody.

(As Chef Payne waves his hand, a gorgeous young woman steps onto the set. She is a brunette wearing a white blouse and denim cut-off jeans that hug her extremely curvy and prominent backside.)

This, ladies and gentlemen, is Candace. Hello, Candace!

Candace (nervously): Hi Chef Payne.

CP: Isn't she a beauty? How old are you, Candace?

Candace: I'm twenty-two.

CP: You have a fabulous figure. What are your measurements?

Candace (blushing): 34-22-36.

CP: Wow! Impressive. Now have you ever had your rump roasted before?

Candace: No sir.

CP: Well, let me tell you, you are in for an experience. This will be something you'll remember for the rest of your life!

We might as well get started. Let's get you up on the counter here -- that's right, stretch yourself out face down. Spread-eagle. Good, good. Perfect.

Now as I mentioned, a roasted rump is an intense thing, so we'll need to make sure our rump will stay properly in position. So let's strap Candace in place.

(Payne pulls out black elastic restraints attached to each end of the counter. He wraps one around each ankle and each wrist, fastening them with Velcro. Candace is shorter than the long countertop, so the bands stretch her out tightly.)

CP: There, that's nice and snug. Next, we'll need to uncover the object of our dish.

(Chef Payne carefully unsnaps the girl's shorts and panties and drags them down toward her knees. Her legs are apart, so mid-thigh is about as far down as he can go.)

CP: Oh my, isn't that a wonderful rump? Just look at those magnificent cheeks, so round and full, just begging for a thorough roasting.

A good rump, folks, has two independent cheeks. Don't go for those butts that look like one solid piece of flesh with a scarcely visible seam. Yuck. No, you want two magnificent orbs with a deep cleft between them. That's the sign of a good rump.

You'll also note the way the cheeks jut out, or in this case, up. Candace doesn't have to stick her ass up for us, her buttocks do that naturally. I'll show you a little trick for measuring ass-jut. If we were to lay a book flat on her ass, here, see how high the book is above the small of her back and her thighs? I'd say Candace has about five or six inches of jut, quite remarkable.

Now we're almost ready to start cooking, but before we continue, let's finish strapping her in place.

(He loops a wide elastic band from one side of the counter to the other, across the middle of the girl's back. When he pulls it tight and fastens it, she can barely wiggle.)

CP: Some of you may like the noise a rump makes while roasting: I personally prefer quiet during cooking, so I always make sure to gag my subject.

(CP opens a drawer and takes out a ball gag. He puts it around Candace's head and across her mouth, sealing it tightly.)

CP: Always make sure she can breathe okay, though. Candace, are you okay?

Candace (nodding): Hmmmm-mmmmggggnnn.

CP: Excellent. Now let's begin to prepare the rump for roasting. First, we'll tenderize it a bit. Then we'll oil it.

(The chef begins to knead Candace's bottom, squeezing and working through all the plump flesh. Then he pours oil into his hand and begins working it into the skin, rubbing it all over thoroughly.)

CP: You don't need too much oil, just a light coating will suffice. We're going to be roasting the rump and we don't want the skin to crack so we just want to make sure all the flesh is tender and moist.

There, that should be enough. Now let's get the roasting started.

(He crosses to a large display of leather straps of various widths and thicknesses.)

CP: For a good rump roast, you must keep the heat low and build it gradually. The mistake most people make is to start off too hot and burn the roast. No, the heat must be gradual. Let me show you.

I have in front of me a large selection of leather straps. These, as you can see, are numbered one through twenty. One is the lightest and twenty is the heaviest. Strap one is an inche wide, very thin and light. Most people would start a roasting with a belt similar to weight to their pant's belt. That's probably a seven or eight on this scale. But we want a long-cooked roast, so we'll start with strap number one.

(Chef Payne takes the strap and begins to lather the girl's butt with it.)

CP: Note how I'm doing this: just a light, routine slapping of the leather across the flesh. I'm not swinging very hard, but I am being steady and thorough. I'm letting the weight of the strap do most of the work. And while this might look like it's not having much of an effect, trust me: it is.

(We see a close-up of the Candace's face and her eyes are wide and she's sweating, cheeks bulging as the gag prevents her from crying out.)

Candace: Mhmmmfmghh!

CP (never pausing in the strapping): See? She's feeling it, all right. Now one of the secrets to what I'm doing is making sure that I always bring the belt down flat. I never want it to come down at an angle. That would cause the edge of the leather to strike Candace and it might leave a bruise or welt. No, here I'm just wanting to color the flesh a nice rose, just a pink blush.

See how I make sure we cover the entire rump? I can't neglect any of it: it must all be thoroughly cooked.

Now this part of the cooking takes about ten minutes. In fact, each strap hanging on that board over there will take about ten minutes. A good rump roast takes several hours.

(CP looks at the clock, and since it's been ten minutes, swaps strap #1 for stap #2.)

CP: This is Strap Number Two, and you'll note it's very similar to the first one, but it's slightly heavier. This will get Candace's rump from that nice pink blush to a slightly deeper rose color.

(Time lapse photography shows how the coloring of Candace's rump gradually changes as CP goes through the first five straps.)

CP: All right, our rump has been roasting for about an hour now, so it's time we basted it. As you know, the best baste comes from your dishes own juice, so we'll begin with that.

(He slips his hand between Candace's legs and begins to root around.)

CP: Ah, not too juicey, but there's definitely some moisture here. It's getting juicier as I feel around. This is one hot roast! Now watch how I do this: I get my hand nice and wet and then I wipe it off on the rump. I keep doing this nine or ten times. There isn't enough juice yet to really wet the rump, so we'll also use a little bit of oil and some of our special vitamin E spread, and just work it all over. Yeah, this is working perfectly. Let's continue with the roasting.

(CP takes strap number six down and begins to smack Candace's rump with it.)

CP: Now that our rump is warmed up, we'll accelerate the cooking process a little. Instead of ten minutes per strap, we'll just spend five minutes with each.

(CP exchanges strap six for seven and continues. Time lapse shows Candace's body writhing and buttocks changing color as CP proceeds through strap ten.)

CP: There, nice and hot now. Time for a little more basting.

(CP repeats the basting process, applying any sex moisture he can find to Candace's steaming cheeks.)

CP: Before we continue with the roasting, we need to stimulate the juices so this rump will be moist, not dried out. We do that with this juicifier.

(CP holds up a battery-powered vibrator.)

CP: We insert it here, in Candace's sex. Now it's important that you have it programmed correctly. In this case, we've got a model that features random cycles, which is ideal. The device will periodically speed up, slow down, and it will change the pace of its pulsings as well. The end result is that Candace will have no control over her body's pleasuring. She'll generate lots of juice for the roast, which is exactly what we want.

(Already the vibrator is gurgling away and Candace is writhing slightly and moaning faintly. CP takes down strap number ten and continues the hearty strapping. Time lapse quickly takes us through strap fifteen. Candace's rump is scarlet and visibly swollen. Her face is damp with sweat and tears and she looks exhausted.)

CP: Our rump is turning out nicely. It's time to baste again, and I suspect this time we'll have plenty of juice. Ah, sure enough, what did I tell you. Look at all this moisture! I'll spread it over our rump, working it in as deeply as I can. Yeah, perfect.

It's important to note that not all rumps will be as juicey as this one: if yours is a little dry feel free to use oil or vitamin E lotion to ensure that your rump is moist. When you're done, be sure to put the juicifier back.

(CP replaces the vibrator in Candace's sex.)

CP: Now we're almost finished with the cooking process, but we need to add our spices. The key ingredient here is ginger. I've got a nice size ginger root -- something about the size of a D battery is good -- and watch how I insert it.

First, I moisten it with a little of the sex juices (I could also do that with oil), and then I insert it into this little opening here.

(Closeup of Candace's anus as CP shoves the ginger root into it. Cut to Candace's face as she squirms and gasps.)

CP: There. Perfect. The root will take a little time to its work, but it's very spicey, so it doesn't need to be in there long: our last cooking session will be perfect.

Next, I'm fond of a light seasoning of salt and pepper. Just sprinkle a little bit over the rump and rub it in lightly. Don't press too hard: we don't want to damage the delicate skin of our rump. Okay, that should be plenty of spices. Let's put the rump back in the oven!

(CP fetches strap number sixteen and begins to wallop the cheeks hard. This strap is almost four inches wide and is three eights of an inch thick. CP straps both buttocks at the same time, alternating sides every ten strokes. He is thorough, making sure every part of the rump is well cooked. Time lapse takes use through straps seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, and twenty. By the last strap Candace is sobbing, tears pouring down her face. which is a soggy mess. Her whole body is dripping sweat. She's writhing and moaning incoherrently through her gag.)

CP: There we go, I think we're about done. Let's just check the temperature with a meat thermometer and see.

(CP removes ginger root and pops in anal thermometer. Then he continues to carefully strap the poor rump while waiting for the temperature to register.)

CP: Be careful during this to not strike the thermometer. Notice how I'm concentrating on the upper slopes and sides of the rump? And I'm not trying to really heat the rump, just keep it warm. I'm barely striking with any force at all, just letting the weight of this heavy strap do the work. As you can see from Candace's reactions, this is remarkably effective.

Now let's check on that thermometer. Yes, that looks good. Nice and toasty 101 degrees. That's perfect for a good rump roast. I officially pronounce this roast done!

(CP goes to Candace and removes the ball gag. She gasps for oxygen and weeps with relief.)

CP: Now Candace, what did you think of your rump roast? Was it an unforgettable experience?

Candace: Oh my God! I thought I was going to die. It was so hot and it just kept on and on and on. And that ginger root: how that thing burns! Oh my poor ass. I think I'll never be able to sit again!

CP (laughing): Excellent, young lady. It sounds like you've had quite the experience. I told you there was nothing like Chef Payne's rump roast recipe. And let me thank you for the use of your rump, today: it was magnificent!

Audience members, if you'd like to come up here and sample our rump, I'll leave Candace tied up for a few more minutes and you can feel free to step up here and feel her cooked rump for yourself. There are straps if you'd like to cook her rump a little bit more.

Candace: Oh no! No more, please!

CP: Don't worry about her. I'll switch the juicifier on full speed and she'll be in paradise.

That's it for today's show! Tune in next time on "Cooking with Chef Payne."

The End

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