Paul Bunyan and the Great Lakes

Another erotic story from the FLOGMASTER!

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Paul Bunyan and the Great Lakes

(****, M/Ffff, Severe, ole fashion paddlin)

A strange new twist on the ole yarn about how Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox created the Great Lakes. (Approximately 1,757 words. Originally published 1996-04.)

I'm shore y'all heard the story how Paul Bunyan an his best friend in the whole world Babe the Blue Ox created the Great Lakes, but I'm here ta tell ya that ya ought to just forgit those stories an start a'fresh cuz not a one is true. I doan know why so many changed the real story an tole all those lies but I doan care, not really. Cuz I know the truth an I gonna write it all down here an set the record straight. Ya see, it all began with Nellie Fox an her three girls. No one tells ya that. They make it out it wuz all Paul's fault, but it weren't that way a'tall.

Back in those days the Great Lakes weren't nothin but puddles. Shoot, they wuz so small if Paul had set his foot down in one all the water woulda splashed out an there'd been nothin left. An Paul's boot wouldna even gotten damp there so little water to splash out.

But those puddles were all the po' people o' Michigan had an they were as proud o' those lakes as if they were the Atlantic Ocean. Never did see people as crazy over a few drops o' water as those folks. They'd hook up mules to drag barges through that mud just so it seemed like they had a real shippin lane or sumthin. Crazy.

Anyhow, like I said it all started with that terrible Nellie Fox an her three girls. Paul doan have many faults but when he do yewd better believe they're bigger than man-sized. Average man can handle his faults jus fine, but I warn't be the man that takes on one o' Paul's faults. Paul always did have a soft heart for the ladies, 'pecially if they wuz pretty, an there weren't none prettier than Nellie Fox.

Nellie's husband Black Joe wuz the blackest coal miner in the blackest pit in the country. Everday before the sun wuz even awake he'd go down in that pit an wouldn't come up 'till the sun had called it a night an when he came up he'd be so black ya couldn't see him if ya looked straight at 'im--he'd just be plum invisible. An Nellie would have to scrub him the whole night long jus to git that black off so she could actually see her husband for two eye-blinks before he had to run off an go down that mine agin.

Well one day ole Joe didn't come up out that pit an when they went an looked they saw the pit weren't a pit no more nor even a hole but a big pile o' dirt an they saw the mine had a cave-in an ole Joe weren't ever comin up agin.

When po' Nellie hears the news she cried an cried an her three girls cried an cried. For three weeks they did nothin but cry an feel sorry for themselves until along came Paul Bunyan, Babe a good three miles or so behind 'im. Here Paul sees a po' mother an her three daughters sittin on their rooftop in middle of a large pool of water jus sobbin their hearts out.

Well ole Paul's heart, it doan take to no cryin, 'specially women, an he sits down on a hillside there an begins sheddin tears hisself. Each time a tear rolls down his cheek an drops to the ground it feels jus like a thunderstorm, with wettness splatterin all over. He doan know why he's cryin of course, but that doan really matter, he's still cryin with his whole heart an all.

Then pretty soon Babe the Blue Ox comes along an sees all the cryin an he joins in, his tears so large jus one would drown a whole whale. Soon the whole countryside is knee-deep in tears an there's no sign of stoppin either from Paul Bunyan or Babe or Nellie or her three daughters.

This goes on for four whole days an nights when sudden-like Paul looks up an says to Nellie, "Why's we cryin?"

The woman stops cryin an stares up at Paul in bewilderment. "Ya know, I doan really know," she says. "I been cryin for so long I plumb forgot!"

"Ya mean we been cryin all this time over nothin?" growls Paul. He ain't happy about sittin in water for four days an nights with no sleep an nothin to eat. Babe the Blue Ox begins to snort, smoke comin out o' his nostrils.

"I guess so," says the woman, becomin frightened.

Paul looks around then an as far as he can see there's nothin but water. All the trees are under water an all the houses too. There weren't many hills to begin with but now there weren't none. "Well I'll be," said Paul. "Looks like we've created a mighty big lake."

The woman an the three girls were still sittin on their rooftop, floatin, an now the house began to drift. Paul reached out an caught the house by the tail an pulled it back. "No so fast," he said sternly. "Look at the mess you've caused. What are we gonna do with all this water?"

Po' Nellie didn't know what to say an jus looked at her shoes in shame. She shore wuz a pretty thing, that woman. Her clothes were all soaked with tears an clung to her body in such a fashion that there were no question that she wuz woman through an through. Paul looked at her standin there on that rooftop an saw exactly what wuz needed.

"Since ya doan know why youze a'cryin I'll give ya somethin ta cry about," he said an reached down in the water an pulled up a giant oak tree, roots an all. In ten minutes flat he'd widdled that trunk down to a smooth board an before Nellie knew what kind a trouble she wuz in he had her stretched across his lap. In a heartbeat her skirt wuz pulled up an her petticoats brought down an Paul wuz smackin the bare backside of that naughty young lady.

He spanked her hard an fast an po' Nellie could do nothin but weep. She cried an cried an Paul spanked an spanked an a'fore long the sun an the moon traded places an Paul kept right on spankin. It didn't matter if it wuz dark cuz Paul could see plenty well enough from the red glow of Nellie's backside. That glow lit up the night sky an wuz seen 15 miles away an people shuddered when they heard the unearthly thunderclaps echoin through the valley. Many thought it wuz the end of the world. People still talk about it today but no one says what really caused it. Perhaps they doan know or perhaps they jus doan wanna say, I doan know.

All night long an all the next day Paul paddled that Nellie until her hind end had swollen up like a water bladder fit to burst an Paul took a break to help Nellie out of her tight dress cuz he wuz worried it would break she wuz swellin so much. So naked as a shocked ear o' corn she went back across his lap an he spanked her for three more days an nights.

Oh, how she howled an carried on. You'd 'ave thought he wuz killin the po' girl the way she tole it. Now I admit a thrashin from Paul Bunyan ain't no normal thing but I reckon a sound whippin never hurt no girl or boy an did I lotta good I warrant. I can think of quite a few adults who'd benefit from a good ole fashion lickin!

Now while Paul wuz spankin the girls' ma the girls weren't keepin silent. They hollored at Paul to stop but you know Paul Bunyan--once his mind is set I doubt even Babe could change it. But Paul got real tired of hearin the squeaky voices of those girls whinin at him so the second he finished with their ma he started on them.

He put all three girls across his lap at once an bared their bottoms jus like he'd done wit their ma. The girls were cryin an hollerin--an I think the oldest one wuz even swearin--but they were helpless before a lumberjack like Paul Bunyan. He laid down that long board across all three backsides at once an the girls couldn't stop cryin. For two days an nights Paul spanked those girls without a pause. Their rosy bottoms gleamed an lit up the sky with a pink glow even in bright daylight. The light got so bright that Paul had to shield his eyes cuz he woulda been blinded from starin at it too much.

When he'd finally finished the spankin the put down the two youngest girls--I think the littlest wuz about twelve--an put the oldest back over his lap for another round. I think it musta been cuz of the swearin, but I doan know. She weren't 'specially pleased at the repeat performance but she shore wuz entertainin to watch. Her bottom had swolled up so much Paul took her dress off too so she took her second spankin completely bare. He spanked her for another night an day an then stopped an the girl wept with relief, but I doan know where she got the tears for it.

There wuz so much water around 'em even Paul couldn't see land even when he climbed upon Babe's broad blue back. He put Nellie an the girls up on Babe's head--the females elected to stand rather than sit--an Babe began to swim. He swam all night an early the next mornin they saw land. Even Paul Bunyan wuz amazed at the size of the tear-filled lake.

Over time the waters receded a bit an the big lake split into the Great Lakes. From then on when Paul visited the Lakes he always thought of Nellie an he always wondered what she had been cryin about when he found her. For her part she met a nice gentleman--a schoolteacher--who found that spankin her an her daughters with an eighteen inch redwood ruler wuz jus as good as a tree trunk but far more practical an a grateful Nellie married him. They had four more daughters an he an his ruler wuz kept very busy, but that's another story.

The End